How do you remove toxic people from your life without ending up lonely?

By creating a Family of Choice.

The saying “Blood is thicker than water” is shortened from “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” and completely changes its meaning. The original meaning of the full saying is that the bonds of the people you choose are stronger than the bonds of the people you didn’t choose.

I have a lot of friends who come from toxic families and communities, and they have had to sever those ties. They describe it as the metaphor of the crab pot: sometimes when crabs are caught in a fishing pot, one crab will try to escape, and the others will pull it back down and stop it from escaping. In order to escape the crab pot, my friends needed to cut those people off.

As you try to grow, some people in your life might not want you to change. Maybe they’re afraid you’re going to leave them, in which case they’re unintentionally pushing you away. Maybe it’s because if you grow and change, they’ll have to accept the fact that they also could grow and change—and that’s scary for them. Sometimes it’s more nefarious, sometimes they have a vested interest in keeping you the same because they’re using you, and if you grow stronger they won’t be able to manipulate you anymore.

My friends successfully left their toxic environments by creating a Family of Choice made of people who were psychologically much healthier, and shared their goals of bettering themselves. There are new friends with whom they could celebrate the holidays and do other family things making them a true Family of Choice.

Some of their old relationships needed to be severed entirely, others merely needed to be distanced.

Set your Boundaries and decide what you need. Setting Boundaries doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you more difficult to manipulate.

Cutting people out of your life is sad, and it’s appropriate to mourn that loss. But your duty is to escape the proverbial crab pot, and the best way to do that is to create a new healthier community for yourself.